I’ve struggled all my life with not being “good enough”. As a child I achieved exceptional grades. I was in the school’s gifted and talented programs, went to the district rounds of the spelling bee every year, and generally….well….I was a nerd. 
Somehow though, it was never good enough. My parents always pushed harder. They told me that I could “do better if I focused more” or if I “studied harder” or “buckled down”. The honor roll was beneath me…I could make the principal’s list if I really tried. The same thing happened at home. My room was never clean enough. My mom used to always tell me that I was “getting there”, which she says now was her way of not putting me down. What I felt though was that I was never there…in anything. Never, ever good enough. Between this and the fact that everyone at school thought I was the biggest nerd around…I developed some real self-esteem issues.
As a teenager I rebelled. I no longer wanted to be smart. It was easier to fail miserably and have people just expect me to fail than it was to take the criticism of people who thought I could do better. My parents knew that I was rebelling…and they grounded me accordingly. They thought that by taking things away I would begin to miss privileges and do better. Wrong. I rebelled more. I turned into a dark eyeliner wearing, backtalking, uncaring thoughtless young person. I made a lot of bad decisions…and contemplated suicide often. I even attempted it once. I thought that a bottle of Tylenol was the answer to everything. It of course was not.
As a young adult I straightened up somewhat…started going to a technical college nearby. This brought up more issues. I wasn’t good enough. I was never good enough for the professors, my parents, the other students…and I began to (once again) withdraw. I once again found it easier to just fail. No one expected anything of a failure. When failures did well on occasion people praised them. No second guessing…just praise. I left college after a couple semesters of not being able to make up my mind whether I wanted to succeed or not.
Fast forward a few years. I’m now a mom. I’m STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Nothing I do seems right. Right with the world…right with my peers…in my own head…with my parents. Not even with my siblings. I have two younger sisters who sometimes act as though they could do a better job of raising my children than I could. They have all the answers because they are young and “know better”. My mom doesn’t hesitate to point out mistakes I make or remind me that she doesn’t approve of all my decisions. I am reminded frequently that I chose a husband that has a few qualities my family doesn’t like. My parents “raised me better”. They didn’t raise me to be a housewife. I feel the disappointment oozing out of their pores every time I am near. I’m the screw up. I’m the one who had so much more in her future and messed it up. I’m STILL NOT LIVING UP TO MY POTENTIAL.
I recently screamed up at the heavens:
“I’M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE! NOTHING I EVER DO IS RIGHT! IF I AM DOING SOMETHING RIGHT I MESS IT UP ON PURPOSE…WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME AND WHY CAN’T I JUST BE GOOD ENOUGH?!?!?!”
Silence.
Then…I really truly felt as if the presence of God had come to me. I “heard” these words:
“You will never be good enough”
Thanks.
Then I hear it…
“What do you think grace is for?”
Pronunciation: \ˈgrās\Function: nounEtymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin gratia favor, charm, thanks, from gratus pleasing, grateful; akin to Sanskrit gṛṇāti he praisesDate: 12th century1 a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from God c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace
2 a : approval, favor s> b archaic : mercy, pardon c : a special favor : privilege d : disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e : a temporary exemption : reprieve
Any of that sounds good to me. God knows who I am…and what I’ve done…and my strengths, weaknesses…he knows everything. Yet…he still loves me.
I am good enough. I always have been. I’ve just never seen it….but by God’s grace…and by his grace alone…I’m good enough for HIM.
If I’m good enough for HIM then no one else truly matters…and that is such a weight off my shoulders. Knowing that brought tears of pure joy to my eyes.
What issues do you struggle with? How do you overcome the more difficult things in your life?
Note:
***This is in no way meant to be a “poor me” post. I don’t blame my parents for all of my troubles. I have been making my own decisions for quite some time…and I’m learning (slowly) to forgive myself and others. I thank God for the experiences in my life because without them I wouldn’t be who I am today. I recently did experience this and it was such a relief. I thought maybe someone else could benefit from my thoughts…because I know more people have to struggle with some of the same issues.***
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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Awesome post!
Oh my gosh, thank you so much for sharing this with us! This line says it all: If I'm good enough for HIM then no one else truly matters. I've just never seen it….but by God's grace…and by his grace alone…I'm good enough for HIM.
Thank you for reminding me of the kind of parent I need to be, I want to be. Just…Thank you.
God's amazing grace is…just AMAZING! He loves us even when we have been unlovable and he loves us with a never-ending love because he created us.
Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog! I hope you come back soon for another visit!
That was an excellent post! Wow! God is the only One that really matters. We by grace are good enough for Him. Who cares what other people think! I want to strive hard to make sure my daughter feels accepted unconditionally by me and by God. Thank you for being so transparent. This was extremely encouraging to read!
Thank you for your candid post. I'm so sorry you've had to endure this your whole life. I think many people will be able to relate to your story. It is a great reminder.
I am blessed to have 2 parents that have always encouraged me to dream big, try my best, reach for the stars but have never put undue pressure on me and I have always felt loved and enough.
However, I like many women, have put that kind of pressure on myself from time to time. Our media paints a pretty picture of who women should be and what they should accomplish, and that we are to be the best at ALL things, a 'Martha Stewart' if you will. It is completely unrealistic.
All we can be is our personal best and as my hubby always says, 'give it your best and leave it up to God to do the rest!'.
I am most thankful to have such a gracious God who loves me as I am.
You are amazing because of God's grace. Here is what I had to say about "grace."
http://tallysplace.blogspot.com/2010/01/irresistable-grace-some-fun.html
Continue to grow in grace and knowledge and you will be blessed.
You are good enough for me.
Kristen,
What a brave, transparent, unflinchingly honest post. My story is different than yours, but I sure can identify to feeling "not enough." It led me to make poor decisions and hurt some of the people closest to me.
Now, I still think I'm not enough. But, like you, I've finally made peace with that. I've accepted the grace that God gives. "Not enough" now means to me that I need to depend on my Savior daily, because He IS enough. And I can trust Him.
Thank you for giving such an important, honest message. I know it will help many women.
I identify with almost every single WORD of this post. I am so blessed with a husband who accepts me as I am and loves me, and to have a wonderful relationship with God. Now I just hope I can let my children know that they are good enough too.
xoxo Wonderful post!
FInally someone who snuck into my house, read my diary and printed it for all to see…:) You are awesome! I love reading your blog, and even though I dont take the time to comment like I should, you are always gonna be worth far more than people tell you- because God made you ! Im glad you speak from the heart..its refreshing to know there are people out there who struggle like me.
Have a great day!
I am so glad you have some peace knowing you are good enough in the eyes of God. I hope you can find some distance from your family. At least until they can appreciate you for who you are.
Loved the post, Kris! Very applicable for everyone!
Thanks for the Christmas reminder lol I just took them down.. I didn't even notice lol
This was so very good to read! Great post.
On a side note – for some reason your blog updates stopped coming via email, so I thought you stopped blogging. Sorry for not visiting! I am now subscribed again.
Isn't it amazing how God can talk to us just at the right time that we need it most. He is amazing and so are you! Keep telling yourself that. I think you are enough too. You sure helped me today with your comment on my blog. So I just wanted you to know that today…I APPRECIATED YOU!
Girl, I'm not going to stroke your ego, I'm going to be honest….you are perfect just as you are. Why? Because God is perfect and He created you. Now, just like anyone else, God loves us too much to leave us as we are (THANKFULLY!!!) I read your **Note** and I realize this wasn't a pity post..we've all been there and I thank YOU for being so honest and transparent. Fact is, I'm convinced I've made a very dear friend in you—don't forget that!!
BIG HUGS!!
Deb
I'm sorry that you have felt so judged in your life. "You're good enough, your smart enough, and gosh darn it people like you." It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. They have their opinions and they are welcome to them, but their opinions are not necessarily the truth. You know the truth.
I've had that same moment. Grace is truly the greatest gift.
Thank you so much for this today. I’ve been repeating “I am good enough” all morning. I’ve struggled with “good enough” and not feeling equipped by my parents to function normally as a wife and a mother. Thanks be to God that He loves and accepts me right here and right now just like this. From this day forward I am not going to fall back on the lie that I can’t parent well because no one taught me to. I will accept myself and my children as we are and teach them to grow in God’s grace. It’s not about me and my faults. It’s about grace. Thanks again!
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